firsts vs. lasts

tonight is my last night in this tiny two bedroom apartment. tomorrow i move into a duplex, a brand new adventure.

i've lived in bend for almost seven months now and i can't believe it. the first night i was here, it felt so surreal. my expectations of what was going to follow were so high, i wasn't about to go back to what i had. although, i was timid and almost positive i wouldn't make any real friends. i thought i'd get a 9:00-5:00 that i dreaded everyday. i was terrified i'd freeze in the snow.

on the drive from anaheim to bend, i kept thinking of the lasts i was having. . but here i am, so excited for the firsts i'll soon have.

life has exceeded my expectations. i'm learning to be dependent on the One who brought me here.

i can't WAIT to see what the next seven months have in store.

what we do here is just the beginning.

it's amazing that You love me like You do

dear orange county,

i've been avoiding making a blog for awhile now
for fear that i might say something real.
i couldn't post the things that i used to do,
because i didn't want that life to be my own.

i was afraid of being judged
and looked down up.
i didn't stand up for myself because
i was scared
someone might care that much about me.

after creating a life of dishonesty,
i woke up and realized
that i was turning into nothing .

the way i was progressing,
was on a down-slope.
and i was going nowhere.
and if i stayed there,
nothing would ever change.

i've spent a lot of time making up for the mistakes i've made .
reconciliation has been made .
sins forgiven .
honest joy has been a result
of nights spent alone.

that wasn't who i am .
i showed you someone else.
i'm sorry if you thought that she was real
because i wasn't.

life in oregon has been so good for me,
i have a job that i love and friends
that seem like they've been around forever.
so can we please stop this "i thought i was your old life" business
and know that the ties i cut was the baggage that was keeping me behind?

there's so much more to life than right now,
i'm looking to move mountains.

who knows if i'll be back, but i'm so happy to be here .

this is the oldest i've ever been.

love.