fish out of water

i'm currently feeling like a fish out of water - and not just some weak nemo-fish, either. more like a fish with a sword, a helmet, and a sheild.

there have been more than just a couple of times in my life where i've felt something big is on its way. something has been planted and its cute little head is going to sprout up and out of the ground anytime now. right now, i'm in the time of watering and nourishing and (just like a good warrior-fish would do) preparing for battle. it lives in my gut: to pray more and harder than i ever have before.

along with God moving, however, a spark is lit under a certain-stupid enemy's behind - he wants to make me feel like a lesser-than nemo-fish and give up. i'm living in anticipation, trying to keep my head in bend, and praying for crazy, outrageous things. let's see what happens..

- in and through my relationship with Gregg.

- in finding out what my role is in supporting Cassie and how i can really, truly be there for her.

- with ministry involvement.

- with finances. am i supposed to get a second job? is it impossible to find somewhere to live rent-free?

- the job i have now and trying to love it again.

He breathes, and the earth shakes

a year ago today, i was hired at red robin as, quite possibly, the oldest hostess in red robin history. i felt like a total dork taking the position. i was making $14/hour before moving and, let's be honest, red is not my color.

i was excited to make new freinds and have real interaction with people (even if it meant talking about fry-fills and freckled lemonades). for the month i lived in bend, i spent most of my time having "Jesus dates" downtown or rearranging my closet. i'd close myself off in my tiny bedroom and wonder what the heck i had done by moving here.

in the past year, i've received instant answers to prayers. i've been healed of things that, when attempted to bandage myself, i only made worse. i've learned the difference between happiness and joy. and i've been given passion that i couldn't imagine without His purpose.

when i think of the past year and what has happened, i get a little dizzy. i get a little anxious, and then it all flutters away. i'm excited to serve a God who moves even when we feel like we're in idle. His plan is lined up even when we see it going nowhere. we don't make anything happen and, even when we're wanting to give up on our dreams, He is the only way it will ever come true.

i can't wait to see what's going to happen in the next year. i'm anticipating earth-shaking moments and hoping to move some mountains. one step at a time.

firsts vs. lasts

tonight is my last night in this tiny two bedroom apartment. tomorrow i move into a duplex, a brand new adventure.

i've lived in bend for almost seven months now and i can't believe it. the first night i was here, it felt so surreal. my expectations of what was going to follow were so high, i wasn't about to go back to what i had. although, i was timid and almost positive i wouldn't make any real friends. i thought i'd get a 9:00-5:00 that i dreaded everyday. i was terrified i'd freeze in the snow.

on the drive from anaheim to bend, i kept thinking of the lasts i was having. . but here i am, so excited for the firsts i'll soon have.

life has exceeded my expectations. i'm learning to be dependent on the One who brought me here.

i can't WAIT to see what the next seven months have in store.

what we do here is just the beginning.

it's amazing that You love me like You do

dear orange county,

i've been avoiding making a blog for awhile now
for fear that i might say something real.
i couldn't post the things that i used to do,
because i didn't want that life to be my own.

i was afraid of being judged
and looked down up.
i didn't stand up for myself because
i was scared
someone might care that much about me.

after creating a life of dishonesty,
i woke up and realized
that i was turning into nothing .

the way i was progressing,
was on a down-slope.
and i was going nowhere.
and if i stayed there,
nothing would ever change.

i've spent a lot of time making up for the mistakes i've made .
reconciliation has been made .
sins forgiven .
honest joy has been a result
of nights spent alone.

that wasn't who i am .
i showed you someone else.
i'm sorry if you thought that she was real
because i wasn't.

life in oregon has been so good for me,
i have a job that i love and friends
that seem like they've been around forever.
so can we please stop this "i thought i was your old life" business
and know that the ties i cut was the baggage that was keeping me behind?

there's so much more to life than right now,
i'm looking to move mountains.

who knows if i'll be back, but i'm so happy to be here .

this is the oldest i've ever been.

love.